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Nellie’s Restaurant Unveils New Slogan

Walnut Grove, Minn.-Nellie’s Restaurant, long known for its subpar service, is unveiling a new slogan this week: “Where else are you going to go?”

“We’re just really excited because this slogan encapsulates the restaurant so well,” Nels Oleson commented. “Nellie has always been a terror at this place. Even after Percival straightened her out a bit, the service still tends to be slow and we are chronically understaffed.. I can’t even tell you the number of days that Caroline single handedly ran that kitchen. And besides all that there’s been so much drama here, like that time Percival’s parents came and the family openly fought in front of customers in the restaurant. Despite all that, people keep coming back because really, where else are they going to go?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Harriet Oleson chimed in. “We’ve really cornered this market here in Walnut Grove! We provide a service that no else does: mediocre food at middling prices with aggressive or dismissive service. Where else can you go to get that? We can do virtually anything we want and people will still come here to eat.”

The inspiration for the slogan came after Nellie threw a plate at a frequently disgruntled customer. When asked why he still came to the restaurant, he replied, “Well, where else am I going to go?”

“That’s when we really knew we were on to something,” Nels informed us. “I always wondered how the restaurant managed to stay in business with all the terrible service and abuse of customers, but that really clarified it for me: it’s simply the only option.”

At press time, Harriet Oleson was daring people to go elsewhere and maniacally laughing because there is no other place they can go.